"Me" Time

When you become a mother, the first thing to go out the window (besides your waist and ability to sleep past 5am), is your time to yourself. At first, losing your "me" time is a necessity. There is suddenly something else in your life that is more important than you. And while this will be true for the rest of your life, eventually, the need to take care of you returns.

As a mom, you are cursed with this phenomenon called "mom guilt." It's that awful feeling that you get when you take a shower and pray nobody comes in the bathroom, when you stay in bed five extra minutes even though the baby is awake, when you pee with the door closed and your toddler on the other side begging to join you, when you go to work and have to leave that amazing little person you love so much with a caretaker or family member, when you get frustrated because someone has been literally latched on to you all day long, when you decide to take the evening to watch tv instead of cleaning up the house and tackling the pile of laundry. You question any decision that allows you to take care of you, and if you're not careful, pretty soon, you forget how to take care of you all together.

Welcome to my life.

I have spent so much time over the past two and a half years taking care of everyone else. I spend my days running around like a crazy person, tackling multiple projects at once. I have had panic attacks as I worry that the 30 seconds I spend sitting on my bum could be better used sweeping the floors or just answering one more email. I've had my days planned down to the last second, stressing out if I take an extra two minutes in the shower, because then I need to retrieve those two minutes somewhere else in my day which means I probably should not take the time to make a proper lunch, and instead will quickly grab a slice of cheese and a quick drink of water. I've lost time just playing with my daughter because if those dishes don't get clean before she goes to bed the world just might end.

It's absurd. I'm losing my freaking mind. I'm over it.

I decided as we headed into the new year, that this would be the year I found my balance. It's a word that is coming up a lot lately. But more than finding my balance, it is about finding myself again. I've always been a bit uptight and a lot type A, but it's starting to cross a line. I'm missing out on the beauty of all of the amazing things around me - my daughter, my husband, my dog, my business, myself. To do this, there need to be rules (because I'm type A, and that just doesn't go away). Here is what I have been working on over the past month:

• Kiss the mom guilt goodbye (well, almost). It is OK if my husband gets up with our daughter. It is OK if I pee with the door closed. It is OK if I need to go to work. It is OK to go to the grocery store by myself. It is OK to ask for help.

• Take the night off. Last fall I found myself working 7 days and 7 nights a week. I never got to recharge, and I paid the price, and my family paid the price. I'm setting boundaries now while my work life is a bit slower in hopes that when my busy season picks up, a modified routine will be easier to adopt.

• Go to the gym. I went to the gym for the first time in 5.5 years this week. It was amazing. I never really loved the gym, but now I'm realizing that at the gym, nobody needs me, except for me. I can't read my email. I can't make a meal. I can't clean the house. I can't edit photos. I CAN listen to some awesome music, read a book, watch a video, and visualize myself getting skinny. I CAN be in my own head for an hour and truly 100% focus on what I need to do for me.

• Put down my phone. My phone plays such a huge part in feeling like I am being pulled in 100 directions. It beeps all.the.time. I'm going to tell you a secret - are you ready?? - if you don't look at Facebook for an hour, and if you don't respond to a client email in 5 minutes or less, nobody is going to die. True story.

• Play. I've realized how much I tell my daughter "in just a second..." "after I do so and so.." "I just need to do this one thing and then I'll come play..." The thing is, none of the other things I have to do is as important as playing with my daughter. Plus, she makes me laugh so hard it hurts, and that is good for my soul. Playing with her is "me" time.

• Hang out with my husband. We are both in graduate school. We are both parents. We both work full time. We have a million priorities, and for awhile we forgot to prioritize us. Spending time with my husband counts as "me" time. When we focus on us, and not the crazy that is all around us, we return to that silly happy we were when we first met 8 years ago, that silly happy we struggle to find between our insane class schedule, time with our daughter, house priorities, and work. When we are "on" he reminds me who I am and gives me the confidence to believe in myself as me and who I fundamentally want to be as a person.

It's a lot of goals, but with a big payoff. Moms out there - don't lose you. And when you realize it's happening, get it back. Because all of those things that pull you away from who you are are the things that need the awesome person you always have been. Take the time to find yourself because it IS about you, as much as you feel like it no longer should be.

Motherhood is Not a Competition

A few weeks ago I saw a quote on Pinterest. It read "Good moms have sticky floors, messy kitchens, laundry piles, dirty ovens, and happy kids." Looking around my house with floors that haven't seen a mop in weeks, stainless steel that hasn't seen love in months, and an overflowing laundry basket, I re-pinned it. It made me feel better.

This morning I popped onto Pinterest (dangerous when you're in a time crunch, by the way). And saw the same quote. The "pinner" had captioned it with "This quote really pisses me off! I have clean floors, folded laundry, toys put away, family fed, clean bathrooms (most days anyway...) Does that make me a bad mom, or just good at time management and organization????"

Before I go any further, I need to say that the pinner, and fellow commenters are good friends of mine. They will read this post. I have SO much respect for them, and this post is in no way aimed at them directly.

The hair on my back went up. My pinning friends are stay-at-home moms. My working mom defense went on full alert. I'm good at time management and organization. I also work two jobs, work 7 days a week, and on weekdays, work anywhere from 12-15 hours, with travel thrown in. We do this and still barely make ends meet. I work my ass off, and yes, I have dirty floors, and yes, I am a good mom.

I hopped in the shower, fuming quite a bit at what I'd just seen, and I realized, this whole thing, this whole quote, this whole competition between mothers, is just freaking ridiculous. Of COURSE the quote made my friends angry. I saw a bumper sticker a few weeks ago that said "People who work hard, vote Republican." Being a very hard working democrat, I wanted to drive the car off the road. It hurt my feelings. So for my SAHM friends, who also work very hard on raising their kids and keeping their homes, I can see how the quote would make them feel that their clean floors and folded laundry makes them poor mothers. For the record, it's not true.

Why are moms so competitive?? Is it because we are incredibly insecure? Or is it because we are crazy control freaks who feel like the entire world needs to agree with our every move as parents and wives? I've never ever met a mom who doesn't have a little snark in them about the way another mom parents. I think some of it is jealousy (most days I would give anything to be able to have the time to be with my kiddo all day and have a cleaner house), but I think a lot of it is that we need to believe that what we are doing is the best possible thing for our children.

Newsflash mommies - it is. You do what is best for YOUR children, and YOUR family. You do what you NEED to do for YOUR children and YOUR family.

So, moms of the world (myself included), get off your high horses. It doesn't matter if you stay at home, work, breastfeed, bottle feed, co-sleep, baby wear, cry it out, ferber, schedule naps, play outside, or wear freaking wool in the summer and hide in a cave with bears. Stop being so damn defensive. Be happy with your choices, and respect others' choices. You have nothing to prove to anyone but yourselves.

I've removed the dirty floors pin from my Pinterest page. I know my mom friends with clean floors, folded laundry and happy kiddos are just as good of a mom as those of us (SAHM and working moms) whose homes may not be so neat and tidy. In the end, it doesn't matter, and judging others for their parenting choices and housekeeping skills is just ridiculous. In the end, we all have one thing in common - we love our kids. Motherhood is such an incredible gift - embrace that you get to share this gift with other moms. It really would make this whole "mom world" much more enjoyable.

Toddlers and Television

When you have children, there's a long list of things you "shouldn't" do. Don't give them a pacifier in the first week. Don't react every time they cry. Don't put them in their crib when they're newborns. Don't give them a bath every night. Don't let them watch TV.

Guess what? I've done every single one of them. And you know what? My kid isn't damaged in the least. In fact, I have to say, she's pretty damn smart.

The point of today's post isn't to demean or put down any other person's parenting style. In fact it's quite the opposite. As I talk about how we use television in our house, I encourage parents who struggle with the "do's" and "do not's" of parenting to do what works for them, in their house, with their individual children.

I'm warning you, this will be a brutally honest post, so if you are squeamish towards moms and dads that do things in their own way, I urge you to stop reading here.

My child watches television. She watches it almost every day. While we try to limit it to 30 minutes, max, occasionally she'll watch up to an hour of tv. Recently a report came out that said that children under two should not get any screen time at all. Of course this created an internet flurry of worried parents wondering how in this day in age they could re-arrange their lives so that their kids avoid the screen completely. While I'm not trying to de-bunk the research done by any organization regarding children and television, I am advocating for parents to know their children and know if television is right for them.

Warning - this is about to get a tad braggy.

Molly is 17.5 months old. Her vocabulary is above average for her age. She is incredibly social. She understands and follows directions regularly. As parents, we do not feel that a little television is going to hinder her development.

Here are the four ways we use TV in our house:


1. As an Educational Tool
One of my favorite things to do is watch TV with Molly on my lap. We sing, we clap, we dance - television gets her EXCITED! There is a segment on Yo Gabba Gabba (her favorite show) called the "Dancy Dance." Famous people, like Tony Hawk, Elija Wood, and the band Sugarland join the characters and come up with their own simple dance moves which they teach the characters and all do together. My jaw dropped to the floor a few months ago when Molly began to correctly do the "Chippy Chippy Chomp" along with her tv friends. Over the past few weeks she's began playing along with DJ Lance as he jumps, claps, "raises the roof" and spins around. She points to doggies, kitties, and babies, and she sings along to the Elmo theme song. She's learning to be a mover and incorporate dance and music into her life. Are there other ways to have this happen? Sure - we sing and dance without the tv all the time, but this is another means that truly speaks to her.

2. As a Babysitter

Gasp!! I said it! Any parent who allows their child to watch tv and swears up and down that it has never ever been used as a babysitter, even for a few minutes, is lying to your face. Sometimes it just makes life easier. Our mornings are very hectic (as they are for most families). One of us showers while the other has breakfast with Molly. Then we switch, and the non-showering parent gets her dressed. Then she grabs her blanket, her doggie, her milk, and her rocking chair, and settles in for an episode of Yo Gabba Gabba while we run around pulling together lunches, walking the dog, getting ourselves dressed, pounding a cup of coffee, and eventually sprinting out the door. For us, it's necessary, and for her, it literally is the highlight of her morning. (Really - you should hear her squeal as her Gabba friends come on the screen!)

3. As Quiet Time

Have you ever just wanted to crawl under a blanket, lay on the couch, and watch TV? Well, so does my kid. Kids are BUSY. They're loud, they run around, their brains are working overtime trying to just take in every little thing in this new world around them. And sometimes that makes them tired or cranky - just like you, and just like me. When Molly needs quiet time, she reads books, or she watches TV. It helps her to re-charge, and it makes her a happier person.

4. As Bonding Time
How many times have you taken your kids to their favorite playground, or made them their favorite meal? As parents, the greatest feeling we have is doing something we know our kids love. I absolutely love sitting down for a segment of Elmo's World with Molly, and on my sleep-in mornings, she and Daddy hang out in the basement in front of the big screen and watch Gabba or Fraggle Rock. All we need is that one look or big hug that says "Wow Mom, wow Dad, thanks for doing this with me." We snuggle and sing, and sometimes, that 30 minutes in front of the tv together is really, really special.

As I said before, you need to do what works for you and your family.  This works for us, and tv time can be a really beneficial and special time in our house, along with story time, meal time, and play time.

How do you use television with your kids? Share your ideas. It's a judgement free space. 

Our Dinner Scare

Last night I had quite a scare at home. Jim was at class, so it was just me and Molly hanging out together for dinner. We had pulled chicken and cucumbers, both of which Molly has eaten before without any problem.

At one point, late in the meal, she put a whole cucumber slice in her mouth. She's a good eater, and chews well, so I told her to be careful and watched her closely. Because I watched her closely I noticed her eyes get large, her mouth open up, no sound come from her throat, and her skin start to turn purple. Because I let her have an entire cucumber slice, my baby was choking.

I panicked hard. I remember screaming "No, no, no Molly, NO, NO, NO" and I swiped my finger down the back of her throat. The piece was down there quite a ways, and was most definitely blocking her airway. Luckily it was easily removed, and I crumbled in a heap on the floor crying and rocking my baby girl. I have never in my life been so terrified, and even as I write this hours later, I'm tearing up.

I'm not writing this to be scolded for giving my child a piece of food that was obviously too large for her. I'm writing it because I think that as our kids get older, we start to get more comfortable, and begin to forget some of those safety measures we were so anal about in the first year or two of their lives. Once they get the hang of it, things like eating, or climbing, or running become such a normal part of our days, and we forget that our kids are still little, and not fully capable of taking care of themselves. And while cuts and bruises are bound to happen, it doesn't take much for something routine to become quite serious quite quickly.

My husband associated it with riding a motorcycle. He says the motorcycle becomes deadly when you stop riding it like a motorcycle, when you take it for granted and forget the dangers that come with riding. Don't take your kiddos independence for granted, and don't forget they are still kiddos. I'll be watching with a much closer eye after last night.

Learning to Discipline

I remember when Molly was a newborn. People would always tell me "don't worry, it'll get easier." Today I'm looking at those people like they are freaking crazy. Sorry new moms, I hate to break it to you, but it does NOT get easier. Does it get more fun? YES! But easier? No way. Yes, you have a lot of sleepless nights with newborns, and the dreaded "witching hour" every evening. But then they become mobile. At first it's just a roll-over and you need to make sure they aren't on anything high or near something dangerous. Then it's the crawl, and you need to keep your not-so-babyproofed-because-this-snuck-up-on-us house in order and your eyes on them all the time. Then the walking starts and they no longer want to sit or be held in public because, hey mom! I can walk! When they are newborns, man it is EASY. I watched more Grey's Anatomy than I care to admit. Now I've lost 20lbs, run around all day, and hope my kid doesn't stick her finger in a light socket, because I'm sure that like, next week, she'll be tall enough to do it.

My battle right now is with discipline. From day one, I have been very blessed to have a happy child, and she still is one. But she's starting to push it. With her grandparents and at school, she's an angel. Dad gets a bit of attitude, but mom, mom's the clear winner. I get hit. I get my hair pulled. I get my sweet lovable laughing child turned she-devil as she thrashes in my arms and her high chair. Where, I ask you, WHERE did this child come from?

It's not all the time, but often enough that I'm starting to realize a hard, cold fact - my kid is becoming a bit spoiled. Whine a little - do you want a snack? Cry really hard - oh I'll hold you and we'll sing. She's on to me.

Fundamentally, I get discipline. I was a high school teacher and you can't be a high school teacher without understanding the very fine balance between friendship and authoritarianism. I know when it is obvious she's just wailing for attention that I need to ignore her and she will stop. But it is HARD. Today, while she played me a fool while laying her head on my shoulder and patting my back just so I wouldn't put her in the exersaucer, I stood there bawling my eyes out because I am so scared of disappointing her or making her hate me. And yes, I know, this is how kids become spoiled and parents become walked on like a New York City sidewalk.

I try to remind myself that it actually is a good thing when she acts out. She has feelings. She has emotions. She's smart enough to know what's going to force a response for me. She's developing which is exactly what we want her to do. But doing what I need to do is so very hard for me.

So, fellow moms, what tips do you have? Not tips on how to handle the discipline with your child, but how to handle YOURSElF when disciplining. Do you walk into the other room and cry like I do? Do you stare into their eyes as they look at you with hatred and sing your favorite song about the Caribbean and think of margaritas? How do you handle yourself when you know you have to do what's best for your child and hardest for you?

And please, don't tell me it'll get easier. :)

But I Don't Wanna Be a Frump!

We've all seen them. Those generic Facebook posts that are constantly circling around. "Post this for 10 minutes if you think there should be a cure for cancer." "Re-post if you love your husband." Man, don't I feel like a jerk when I ignore them. For the record, I DO think there should be a cure for cancer, and I really DO love my husband. I don't think a Facebook status update is required for this to be known.

A few times, I've seen one circling around for moms. It goes something like "if you've traded your mascara in for burp cloths, and your heels for pacifier clips..you are a real mom."

Um, what?! That's crap. You might as well say to a pregnant lady, "Congratulations! You are about to enter a phase of your life where you will enjoy bedhead and frump every day for the next 18 years."  I don't think so. So, I came up with my own status update.

You can be an awesome and real mom when you:

1. Have girls nights. Because you really appreciate them.
2. Wear heels to the grocery store. Because they make you feel pretty.
3. Put mascara on every day. Because you know that the 30 seconds it takes to put it on does not impact you child's ability to read or become the President.
4. Watch television. And by television I mean shows like Grey's Anataomy, House, Law and Order, and Glee. Not just Sesame Street, Yo Gabba Gabba, and Dora the Explorer.
5. Go on dates with your significant other.
6. Drink wine. Because if moms had to give up wine we'd never make it.
7. Carry a designer handbag.
8. Get manicures and pedicures.
9. Have a career.
10. Study, craft, play music, create, or do whatever it is that you did before you had kids that made you who you are.

Frump is so out, moms. Show your kids it's ok to be who you are and who you want to be in any phase of your life.